


i don't know, i don't know how it can change

by kenobilovebot



Series: we hold it in the most when we're wearing thin [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Anakin needs to break too, Anakin takes too much on himself, Gen, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, like master like padawan huh, they're both just so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:34:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25210033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenobilovebot/pseuds/kenobilovebot
Summary: “I’m sorry,” Obi-Wan blurts when he doesn’t have a ready answer. His hands are shaking, his breath beginning to come in quick bursts. A panic attack, Anakin realizes, stunned. He’s never, not even in the Halls, seen Obi-Wan like this.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker
Series: we hold it in the most when we're wearing thin [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1810186
Comments: 14
Kudos: 282





	i don't know, i don't know how it can change

“I know you feel as if you have to stay with me.” The words come unbidden, startling Anakin. “You don’t have to continue wasting your time on me. I will try not to act on those feelings again.” 

Dread forms a hard knot in the pit of his stomach as he slowly turns to look at Obi-Wan. His former master sits in his armchair, head lowered, studiously avoiding Anakin’s gaze. The way he’s fidgeting with his hands makes him look impossibly young. 

“What are you talking about?” Anakin tries not to sound offended by the statement. “I don’t feel like I  _ have _ to stay with you. I want to.” 

Obi-Wan plucks restlessly at a loose strand on his tunic. Anakin has never known him to fidget before. He’s always been such a pillar of calm and peace. 

“I am burdening you,” he says at last, and his voice is thin, frail. “You said that Master Yoda sent you to me. Now you feel as though you have to watch my every move. So that I don’t do it again. I won’t.” 

“Master --” Anakin is rendered momentarily speechless. “Master, he told me what had happened, he told me to sit with you because I wasn’t -- thinking clearly, but he didn’t -- he didn’t give me babysitting duty or anything like that. I’m here because I want to be. Because I  _ love  _ you.”

Obi-Wan flinches. Anakin’s heart begins to ache, but he doesn’t dare approach. Something about his former master just now reminds him of a wounded, cornered animal. Probably because he’s being _ open _ as he hasn’t in years. Obi-Wan has never liked to be vulnerable.   
As he watches, Obi-Wan starts to say something and stops. He tries twice more before he manages to find the words he wants. 

“You deserved better than me.” Anakin’s mouth falls open, and he wants to interrupt, but he isn’t given the chance. “I have never been what you needed me to be. You deserved to have Qui-Gon. You would never have felt as if you had to turn to the dark side, then. You would’ve had a better apprenticeship.” 

Anakin can hardly believe what he’s hearing. 

“I’m sorry,” Obi-Wan blurts when he doesn’t have a ready answer. His hands are shaking, his breath beginning to come in quick bursts.  _ A panic attack, _ Anakin realizes, stunned. He’s never, not even in the Halls, seen Obi-Wan like this. 

It’s that shock that delays his movement, but only a moment passes before he’s on his knees before Obi-Wan’s chair, reaching for his master’s hands. It’s only due to his experience in the war, the way he’d had to learn to talk shinies down, that he’s able to do the same for his master now, even if it is on autopilot, his brain working overtime to digest what Obi-Wan had said.

Moments pass. Anakin has Obi-Wan sync their breathing, something that takes an agonizingly long time, and reaches for his master in the force, twining their signatures together. He feels foolish for not doing so sooner. He’s already learned to do just that in order to bring Obi-Wan out of a nightmare. 

Once Obi-Wan’s breathing is back to some semblance of normal, if a little shaky, Anakin stands, but he doesn’t move away, instead leaning in to wrap his arms around Obi-Wan’s shoulders. The other man doesn’t pull away, but he doesn’t exactly return the embrace either, drooping against Anakin.

“Listen to me, Master,” he murmurs, glancing down. “Please. Listen, don’t just -- please. Hear me. Okay?” 

A jerky nod. 

“I know that I used to tell you that I wished Master Qui-Gon was here instead of you.” Force, Anakin isn’t good at this. He swallows hard. “I didn’t mean it. I just… I thought you knew that. I didn’t, I swear.” 

Why had he always assumed that Obi-Wan had known? Blame spreads hot and angry throughout his chest. He’d managed to miss everything, say all the wrong things. 

“You were a good master. You’re my best friend, Obi-Wan. Kark, I…” He chokes on the words. “I don’t know how to make this better. Me turning to the dark side, that’s on me, and Palpatine, and --” 

He should’ve known Obi-Wan was blaming himself for that too. He  _ knows _ how the older man is.

“I need you.” The words are sour on his tongue. He feels selfish. “I didn’t finish turning because of you. I told you that. You’re the only reason I’m still here.” 

Obi-Wan is trembling in his arms. Anakin holds him tighter, trying to hold both of them together.

For a long moment, no one says anything. 

Then Obi-Wan makes a noise, a choked - off sort of sob that at first terrifies Anakin. His voice breaks again and again when he speaks. “I just want to be enough,” he says, and starts to cry. “I don’t want to hurt anymore.” 

Before all of this, Anakin doesn’t think he had ever seen his master cry. 

He’d heard him through the walls once or twice, in the early days, just after Naboo. He’d never said anything about it, and neither had Obi-Wan. 

Now, holding him to his chest, Anakin doesn’t know what to do.

This may be beyond his abilities. 

“I’m here,” he whispers at last, laying his cheek tentatively against his master’s head. “You’re enough. I’m here. Ahsoka’s here. We’re not going anywhere. I’ve got you, Master.” 

* * *

Ahsoka comes later that night. She’s tried making a habit of stopping by, insistent that what they all need right now is a friend. 

It’s late. Obi-Wan is stretched out on the couch beneath a blanket, head settled in Anakin’s lap. Anakin, for his part, can’t sleep. He’s wrung out, drained, but sleep is elusive as ever. One hand is settled against his master’s shoulder, rubbing reassuring circles there. It’s all he can do. 

When she catches the energy in the room, Ahsoka tenses. He can’t blame her. It feels -- off, even to him, the aftermath of their grief darkening everything. 

“What happened?” 

He hesitates, but in the end, opts not to wake their master. Anakin carefully lifts Obi-Wan’s head from his lap and slips out from beneath him, resettling him against a pillow. “I’ll be back,” he whispers, touching Obi-Wan’s temple. Hoping that it prevents any nightmares until he comes back to the room, he sends a gentle command through their bond.  _ Relax. Sleep. You’re safe.  _ Something Obi-Wan had done a hundred times over for him as a padawan. 

In any case, it seems to do the job, Obi-Wan’s frame visibly relaxing beneath the blanket. He murmurs in his sleep, but doesn’t seem overly distressed. 

Anakin breathes out in relief as he pads into the kitchen, Ahsoka just behind him. He sinks into one of the kitchen chairs, putting his head in his hands. 

“What happened?” she asks again, perching on the table. 

“He --” Yet again, Anakin finds himself temporarily at a loss for words. His head has begun to ache. It’s all too much. “He talked to me. He’s not… we’re not… none of this is okay.” 

The pounding in his head is now accompanied by tears, hot and pricking at his eyes. 

“Master?” Ahsoka sounds worried now. 

“Snips, I don’t… I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help him.” Anakin startles when he feels arms slide around his own shoulders, eerily mirroring the way he’d held Obi-Wan only hours ago. 

His vision blurs, and now that Obi-Wan is asleep, the tears come. 

“Everything is already ruined,” he begins, and cannot continue. It’s his turn to break. 

Ahsoka folds him into her arms as he sobs.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to see any requests you guys might have. Thanks for reading. I appreciate every comment. <3


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